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Well, happy, magical Friday everyone. Neil Cavuto is off tonight and I’m Pete Hegseth. I kid. I’m so much better looking, but what a great show we have for you. It’s almost so good, I almost don’t want to share it with you, but I will because I’m a giving person. Just ask the nurses at the blood bank. Sometimes I’ll even donate my own.
Now, there’s been a lot of talk about who the Democratic nominee should be for 2024. We aren’t even halfway through this term, and they already want to bail on Joe. It’s the only bail Democrats support. Yeah, huh. Oooh. But can you blame them? His favorability rating is two points ahead of rheumatoid arthritis and three points below anal warts. Seems like that should be reversed, but anyway.
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But that doesn’t seem fair to Joe at all. He’s got the experience. He’s got the look. You could say he has the human touch, right? Ask any 15-year-old girl whose shoulders he rubbed like he’s a prizefighter or had her hair snipped like he’s huffing Pantene Pro-V. But instead you see Dems circling him like seagulls above a fishing boat, ready to pounce on anything the crew throws overboard. Gavin Newsom just visited D.C., he brought a tape measure, not for the White House drapes, but a coffin for Joe. Gavin always masks up when he visits Joe’s office. He takes it off once he’s sure that there isn’t a dead body in there. So disgusting.
But like my wife and that homeless musician she invited to live in our attic, hmm. They aren’t even hiding it anymore. They’re like your worst relatives who know you’re rich and have a weak heart, and suddenly they’re mailing you boxes of Omaha steaks, cases of Red Bull, and keep sneaking up behind you at family functions with an airborne. But here at “Gutfeld!” we say “no” like Brian Kilmeade’s breath the Biden name is too strong to ignore. Oh, so now you’re on his side.
Which is why I’m saying it’s time to support Biden 2024. That’s right, Biden 2024, roll the nexio. That’s right, forget Joe, it’s time for Hunter. After all, Joe says Hunter is the smartest guy he knows. So, it stands to reason he’ll be an improvement. You think I’m kidding? But hear me out. There’s a ton of reasons why Hunter would make a great president.
First of all, unlike most politicians, Hunter can’t be blackmailed. Seriously, seriously what if some foreign agent approaches him and says, “Mr. President, we have video of you masturbating?” Hunter would probably reply “fine, but do you have one from this angle or this angle? How about this? I can get you high-def if you like.”
Of course, most presidents have First Ladies and they always have some crusade that keeps them busy and it never works. Remember how Michelle Obama tackled childhood obesity? I didn’t think kids could get any fatter. But Hunter, you know, instead of a First Lady, he’ll have First Ladies of The Evening. Oh, how fun would it be to see him slow dancing at the inauguration with an Eastern European in pumps, short-shorts and a belly shirt, while eight more dressed similarly are lounging in the grotto that used to be the Lincoln Bedroom.
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And even better, the guy knows business. If anyone can. This guy could pay off the national debt. Hell, his paintings are worth a half-mil a pop. He could pump out 400 of those a month, right out of his nose. He also knows creative accounting as well, prostitutes as a medical service. I mean, I need to switch doctors. Although his advisers are going to want to be very specific with Hunter when they bring up inflation. But he can also tackle the drug crisis. Who better to deal with drug cartels than someone who has their direct number? And remember, did you see him thoughtfully weighing the crack in front of the hooker?
Hunter is the only guy that does drugs wearing a GoPro. But you saw how precise he was. Finally, here’s a politician interested in lowering all drug prices. Plus, you want transparency. This guy is naked 100% of the time. Hunter has his clothes off so much that when he wants to go swimming, he has to add clothes.
And what’s the most important question for a president? Will you be awake at 3 a.m. to take the phone call? You can bet Hunter will be awake at 3 a.m. to take any call unless it’s from a baby mama. But in any emergency, Hunter will always be the first one there because he won’t waste time getting dressed. So yeah the wrong Biden is running. Joe was right. Hunter’s a genius. The guy took his family name and turned it into a cash cow that fueled unadulterated, reckless hedonism. Most crack addicts would be incarcerated, but this guy, he’s in Malibu. He must have Don Jr. thinking, “why the hell didn’t I do that?” So there you have it, Hunter should run. And I think he’s got the balls to do it, because I’ve seen them in the video. He may want to have them looked at, though, they’re a little blurry. What do you think, Joe?
JOE BIDEN SKIT: Oh, give me a break, man. Get the facts, Jack. I’m driving this thing, all right? Hunter’s behind me. That’s what’s always worked. We’re a team. We’re like a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back.
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So we’re all in agreement here. Keep it in the family. Hunter Biden 2024. The slogan could be “The Biden you can trust to make it to the top of the stairs.” Just keep them away from your daughters and your medicine cabinet.